Someone I might lose or keep...

Four months with four seasons,
It started with Spring,
Went through Summer,
Then came Autumn,
And now Winter has taken its rightful place, in just two weeks,
Winter might be the longest...

I am saddened by the recent and sudden change that occured. But I somehow anticipated it because from my past experience, there are a minority that will not be able to handle rejections and still remain close friends.

It is either you lose a friend or you gain a friend. I know this traingle has been unfair to this person that I treasure and care a lot about. And I know it has hurt him many times because I cannot be with him. What I can offer is friendship not courtship and he knows it very well. He knew he will lose me one day, he was just waiting for the time. It breaks my heart to know that I will hurt him unintentionally and until the time comes I know he will be hurt also. Through whatever decisions or circumstances, I would end up hurting him. What am I to do? No matter what I do I would hurt him. Unless of cause I choose to be with him. But that would not be possible because I found my soulmate, I would not give him up for anything or anyone else. I am in a very difficult position. The least I want in my life is to hurt people I love, people who are close to me and people I care and treasure.

I cannot go on pretending I never knew him. I am not a pretender who can just pretend that I never knew him at all. I cannot. It's not my nature. And he thinks I can just erase him out of my life just like a blink of an eye, so easily and just forget him. Well, you do not know me . I am not a heartless and cruel person. I remember people who has shared part of my life. And these people who has shared in my life will always be remembered and treasured by yours truly.

I apologise for all the unintentional hurt I have caused you. But you knew my answer long before. From the bottom of my heart, I want to apologise and ask for your forgiveness for all those hurt I have caused whether intentionally or unintentionally. I never meant to hurt you in anyway. I have always had the best interest for you in mind and not to hurt you in whichever away.

My intentions were all sincere and I cared for you with much sincerity and love. Now that winter has arrived, I will respect each and every of your decisions. Of cause it breaks my heart to know our friendship has turned cold. But as I have said before, I will NEVER forget you. And that is the truth.

I will always be two steps behind you if ever you need someone,
I will always welcome you with open arms like how it was before,
I will give you a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on if you need one,
I will NEVER shut you out of my life UNLESS you shut me out of your life.


Last but not least, I will ALWAYS welcome you with open arms at any time.

3 Horrible Weeks

It's been 3 weeks of non-stop. Very sick and tired. During that period I guess evryone was depressed and demoralised. Not surprising. There's always a rainbow after the storm but this rainbow will not stay for long. The storm seems to be longer. Anyhow, I view it as a training grown for me to grow stronger.

Bad Times at Astana

Working in Astana is at most times; depressing recently. The only motivation I have is to gain experience here and nothing else. it is the only thing that benefits me here. Pay is little, work is a lot. It is no different from working your ass off. Much similar to what I call cheap labour. It seems more like the company is exploiting the labourers. No bonuses, or commissions, no working permit, expired visa, etc. What does that tell you? A company well established should not be like that furthermore this is international. This is more like illegal work than a well established international company. I am very upset with my salary simply because I have more responsibilities and skills than one of my colleague and I am getting the same pay. My colleague has very little knowledge about detailing, Photoshop, 3D max to name a few and that person does not really go to site as well and goes back early. Though that person is a degree student, I am gonna be frank; that person has no knowledge about interior designing and I do not know how that person got the degree. Even a diploma student is better than her. I'm not shy to say that I have better skills than that person though I am only a diploma holder. Of cause I am unsatisfied and furious.

Projects here some actually cost a lot of money but where does the money go too? Something worth 1 million USD. Where does the money go to? Sometimes I feel that I am no different from those Bangladesh workers in Malaysia. Working illegally with cheap pay. The difference is that I have a higher qualification and I am in the professional line. My mum did advise me on this matter In which she is right about the company exploiting the workers. Management here is horrible. Now my patience and tolerance level has reached its limits. I do not think I can tolerate working like a cow here anymore. I'm not gonna be a stupid cow.

An Unforgettable Memory

I had an extremely wonderful memory on the night of 25th of September 2007 . In my entire journey of life thus far, no one and I repeat NO ONE has ever done this for me. It was a very sweet memory. Sweetest in my life. Definitely "An Unforgettable Memory". My Moon Cake Festival and Early Birthday Surprise.

After work, I went home and laze in my room for awhile. Not long after I received a phone call from KS. He called me asking me at what time I was free after I finish taking my shower and dinner, so I told him at about 2200 hours; Astana time. He said he has something in store for me. And I could not meet him after 2300 hours.

Not long after having dinner and my shower, KS called again to see if I was ready. He was already waiting for me outside of my apartment. So I asked him what was it and he just ask me to follow him. I thought he just wanted to drop something for me but it wasn't. I was thinking so hard what he wanted to give me. As we were walking towards the guard house at the main entrance of my apartment, he asked me to close my eyes. So I did as was told. He led me to the lake opposite my apartment. With eyes closed, I could only trust him in leading me. And I did.

When we reached our destination, he asked me to open my eyes. To my astonishment, I saw many paper lanterns lighted along the trees at the lakeside. Though not the whole stretch of trees at the lakeside, it was enough to make my jaw drop. That was only the beginning there was another surprise awaiting me. Something more spectacular.

He had me sit down on the bench and asked me to wait and watch for something. Not long after, beautiful fireworks just filled the dark sky. It was wonderful and beautiful. No one has done this for me before. It was a dream come true to watch this. Fireworks just keep filling the sky. One after the other. It was pretty long though the whole fireworks showcase. It was beautiful and I was really touched by what he did. None of my boyfriends has done this for me. It was very thoughtful and sweet of him.

He actually went all out to search for those fireworks and bought it just to celebrate it for my birthday. Since he was going back to Malaysia during my birthday so he decided to give me my birthday surprise early. I was just so speechless at that point of time. I was very touched by what he did. Those fireworks definitely caused him a lot of money. I was happy; too happy to actually describe it. Words just could not explain how happy and touched I was. Thank you KS for making my dream come true. It was one of my secret dreams and you made it come true. I guess it is every girl's dream to have their boyfriend do this but unfortunately he is not mine. Anyway, let's not get into the sad side of the story.

KS thanks a lot for giving all these wonderful memories. I will definitely remember them. It is definitely UNFORGETTABLE. Thanks also for the perfumes you bought. I love it very very much. You just knew what scent I am fond off. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for me. From the bottom of my heart, I want to express my deepest gratitude and appreciation for all the times you took care of me when I was sick, for watching over me most of the time, for accompanying me to do grocery shopping, etc. And of cause you have left your footprints in my life.

Answers to my decision

In my previous post, I mentioned that I did not choose my new crush; instead I chose to stay with my boyfriend. There were several reasons as to why my boyfriend had the upper hand. First, I have been with him for three years now and our relationship has been strong thus far. Second, he was the guy I chose before we were together and he is almost the perfect guy for me. There were many factors that made me decide to stay with my boyfriend. My boyfriend had the upper hand all along. It was just impossible to let someone new into my heart. Someone who do not know me inside out, someone who do no understand me as well and can read my mind. My heart could only hold a place for my boyfriend; simply because I loved him very much and he is already part of my life and that no one could replace him even in the midst of me giving him up. My crush put a lot of effort into winning my heart but to no avail. My heart just could not be shaken. No one replace Fhai from my heart. I believe that God was actually guarding my heart.

There were several factors as to why I did not give in to my crush. He was not the type of guy I wanted because I have already found the guy I want. Then comes our thinking, our mindset differ. He is a very very good guy. Very boyfriend material. But I guess it is not our fate. Furthermore religion was an issue for me. I'm sure he will find someone one day. He will find his missing rib, that fits perfectly like I did. I feel really sorry for him. Like I said it is just not our fate. We can be best of friends but I do not see any future cause I found my soul mate.
Love is seeing an imperfect person as perfect. That is LOVE.

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.