Specially dedicated to Kelvin...

Kelvin Lam....Lamb Lamb sounds better....I miss you Lamb Lamb....I miss the 38 times and the college times we shared. Always aarguing with each other. Always getting at each other...and lots more...I know you miss me cos UK is so boring and without me around it's worst...Haha...Your life is just boring without me..ahahha...You have to admit that. Well I might have good news for you. I might continue my studies soon I guess maybe after next year but might be at a different location and we could meet uo if you are still in UK then. Anyway you have been a wonderful friend all these while and I really really miss you company and our "38" times, "yam-cha" times, movie times and more. Take care my dear friend. I miss you sssssooooooooo muchies!!! I'm fine someone broke my heart but I'm ok now. Thanks for caring....You were the one I run to when I have problems. But now you are so far!!!!! Anyway, just wanna tell you I miss you alot....Come back let me know ok...bye!!!

Kenangan Terindah

Something meaningful I found...

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
Yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itu pun
Aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

Darimu...
Kutemukan hidupku Bagiku...
Kau lah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau kenangan
Yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang tlah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

I'm not heart broken anymore....

With reference to my previous post,"Someone I might lose or keep", today I have decided to let go of my dear friend. I am not going to be heart broken and saddened by our cold friendship anymore. Thanks to all my dear friends who has been there advising me and giving me moral support. I have thought about all the advises given and I am back to normal again. The happy Felicia all of you know. Sorry to Haric, Rush Darling, Hairul and Fhai that I have been so down these few days. I am back to my normal self now. To those people mentioned above and also Chew Seeng, thanks a lot for your advises. Most of you told me not to mull over a friendship that has turned cold and not negotiable. And he's not giving in either so I guess what you guys said was right. But I will still be his friend if he wants too.

Birthday at Astana

My 21st birthday was not a big party but it was a meaningful one. I spend it with my fiance and friends at Astana. I was very touched that my parents and my younger brother gave me very meaningful words. I miss them. I was so touched to have read messages in their cards and presents they bought. I could not hold back my tears. Though I have not had homesick here in Astana thus far, but my heart miss the warmth and company of each of my family members and friends.



There was a bigger surprise at hand on my birthday, my boyfriend proposed!!! It is a memorable birthday. I was speechless. With all the effort he put in to set up the ambience it was all done with his two hands and brains... It was lovely and romantic. A very beautiful sight. My heart melted. It was simple and romantic. He brought me in the living room with my eyes closed with lights turned off. Then he sat me down and ask me to open my eyes. When I opened my eyes, my heart just melted. This is very very romantic. I was speechless. Then he sang a song to me and ask me THE question. I took awhile to answer though cause I was too happy that no words could express that happiness I felt. And yes I agreed to marry him.

Someone I might lose or keep...

Four months with four seasons,
It started with Spring,
Went through Summer,
Then came Autumn,
And now Winter has taken its rightful place, in just two weeks,
Winter might be the longest...

I am saddened by the recent and sudden change that occured. But I somehow anticipated it because from my past experience, there are a minority that will not be able to handle rejections and still remain close friends.

It is either you lose a friend or you gain a friend. I know this traingle has been unfair to this person that I treasure and care a lot about. And I know it has hurt him many times because I cannot be with him. What I can offer is friendship not courtship and he knows it very well. He knew he will lose me one day, he was just waiting for the time. It breaks my heart to know that I will hurt him unintentionally and until the time comes I know he will be hurt also. Through whatever decisions or circumstances, I would end up hurting him. What am I to do? No matter what I do I would hurt him. Unless of cause I choose to be with him. But that would not be possible because I found my soulmate, I would not give him up for anything or anyone else. I am in a very difficult position. The least I want in my life is to hurt people I love, people who are close to me and people I care and treasure.

I cannot go on pretending I never knew him. I am not a pretender who can just pretend that I never knew him at all. I cannot. It's not my nature. And he thinks I can just erase him out of my life just like a blink of an eye, so easily and just forget him. Well, you do not know me . I am not a heartless and cruel person. I remember people who has shared part of my life. And these people who has shared in my life will always be remembered and treasured by yours truly.

I apologise for all the unintentional hurt I have caused you. But you knew my answer long before. From the bottom of my heart, I want to apologise and ask for your forgiveness for all those hurt I have caused whether intentionally or unintentionally. I never meant to hurt you in anyway. I have always had the best interest for you in mind and not to hurt you in whichever away.

My intentions were all sincere and I cared for you with much sincerity and love. Now that winter has arrived, I will respect each and every of your decisions. Of cause it breaks my heart to know our friendship has turned cold. But as I have said before, I will NEVER forget you. And that is the truth.

I will always be two steps behind you if ever you need someone,
I will always welcome you with open arms like how it was before,
I will give you a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on if you need one,
I will NEVER shut you out of my life UNLESS you shut me out of your life.


Last but not least, I will ALWAYS welcome you with open arms at any time.

3 Horrible Weeks

It's been 3 weeks of non-stop. Very sick and tired. During that period I guess evryone was depressed and demoralised. Not surprising. There's always a rainbow after the storm but this rainbow will not stay for long. The storm seems to be longer. Anyhow, I view it as a training grown for me to grow stronger.

Bad Times at Astana

Working in Astana is at most times; depressing recently. The only motivation I have is to gain experience here and nothing else. it is the only thing that benefits me here. Pay is little, work is a lot. It is no different from working your ass off. Much similar to what I call cheap labour. It seems more like the company is exploiting the labourers. No bonuses, or commissions, no working permit, expired visa, etc. What does that tell you? A company well established should not be like that furthermore this is international. This is more like illegal work than a well established international company. I am very upset with my salary simply because I have more responsibilities and skills than one of my colleague and I am getting the same pay. My colleague has very little knowledge about detailing, Photoshop, 3D max to name a few and that person does not really go to site as well and goes back early. Though that person is a degree student, I am gonna be frank; that person has no knowledge about interior designing and I do not know how that person got the degree. Even a diploma student is better than her. I'm not shy to say that I have better skills than that person though I am only a diploma holder. Of cause I am unsatisfied and furious.

Projects here some actually cost a lot of money but where does the money go too? Something worth 1 million USD. Where does the money go to? Sometimes I feel that I am no different from those Bangladesh workers in Malaysia. Working illegally with cheap pay. The difference is that I have a higher qualification and I am in the professional line. My mum did advise me on this matter In which she is right about the company exploiting the workers. Management here is horrible. Now my patience and tolerance level has reached its limits. I do not think I can tolerate working like a cow here anymore. I'm not gonna be a stupid cow.

An Unforgettable Memory

I had an extremely wonderful memory on the night of 25th of September 2007 . In my entire journey of life thus far, no one and I repeat NO ONE has ever done this for me. It was a very sweet memory. Sweetest in my life. Definitely "An Unforgettable Memory". My Moon Cake Festival and Early Birthday Surprise.

After work, I went home and laze in my room for awhile. Not long after I received a phone call from KS. He called me asking me at what time I was free after I finish taking my shower and dinner, so I told him at about 2200 hours; Astana time. He said he has something in store for me. And I could not meet him after 2300 hours.

Not long after having dinner and my shower, KS called again to see if I was ready. He was already waiting for me outside of my apartment. So I asked him what was it and he just ask me to follow him. I thought he just wanted to drop something for me but it wasn't. I was thinking so hard what he wanted to give me. As we were walking towards the guard house at the main entrance of my apartment, he asked me to close my eyes. So I did as was told. He led me to the lake opposite my apartment. With eyes closed, I could only trust him in leading me. And I did.

When we reached our destination, he asked me to open my eyes. To my astonishment, I saw many paper lanterns lighted along the trees at the lakeside. Though not the whole stretch of trees at the lakeside, it was enough to make my jaw drop. That was only the beginning there was another surprise awaiting me. Something more spectacular.

He had me sit down on the bench and asked me to wait and watch for something. Not long after, beautiful fireworks just filled the dark sky. It was wonderful and beautiful. No one has done this for me before. It was a dream come true to watch this. Fireworks just keep filling the sky. One after the other. It was pretty long though the whole fireworks showcase. It was beautiful and I was really touched by what he did. None of my boyfriends has done this for me. It was very thoughtful and sweet of him.

He actually went all out to search for those fireworks and bought it just to celebrate it for my birthday. Since he was going back to Malaysia during my birthday so he decided to give me my birthday surprise early. I was just so speechless at that point of time. I was very touched by what he did. Those fireworks definitely caused him a lot of money. I was happy; too happy to actually describe it. Words just could not explain how happy and touched I was. Thank you KS for making my dream come true. It was one of my secret dreams and you made it come true. I guess it is every girl's dream to have their boyfriend do this but unfortunately he is not mine. Anyway, let's not get into the sad side of the story.

KS thanks a lot for giving all these wonderful memories. I will definitely remember them. It is definitely UNFORGETTABLE. Thanks also for the perfumes you bought. I love it very very much. You just knew what scent I am fond off. I cannot thank you enough for all you have done for me. From the bottom of my heart, I want to express my deepest gratitude and appreciation for all the times you took care of me when I was sick, for watching over me most of the time, for accompanying me to do grocery shopping, etc. And of cause you have left your footprints in my life.

Answers to my decision

In my previous post, I mentioned that I did not choose my new crush; instead I chose to stay with my boyfriend. There were several reasons as to why my boyfriend had the upper hand. First, I have been with him for three years now and our relationship has been strong thus far. Second, he was the guy I chose before we were together and he is almost the perfect guy for me. There were many factors that made me decide to stay with my boyfriend. My boyfriend had the upper hand all along. It was just impossible to let someone new into my heart. Someone who do not know me inside out, someone who do no understand me as well and can read my mind. My heart could only hold a place for my boyfriend; simply because I loved him very much and he is already part of my life and that no one could replace him even in the midst of me giving him up. My crush put a lot of effort into winning my heart but to no avail. My heart just could not be shaken. No one replace Fhai from my heart. I believe that God was actually guarding my heart.

There were several factors as to why I did not give in to my crush. He was not the type of guy I wanted because I have already found the guy I want. Then comes our thinking, our mindset differ. He is a very very good guy. Very boyfriend material. But I guess it is not our fate. Furthermore religion was an issue for me. I'm sure he will find someone one day. He will find his missing rib, that fits perfectly like I did. I feel really sorry for him. Like I said it is just not our fate. We can be best of friends but I do not see any future cause I found my soul mate.
Love is seeing an imperfect person as perfect. That is LOVE.

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Finally I Have My Answer

This morning I came across a bulletin in my Friendster. It quotes "Never leave the one you LOVE for the one you LIKE. Because the one you LIKE will leave you for the one they LOVE." This quote really clarify all my doubts and it strengthen my decision of giving my hand in marriage to my husband-to-be. Things were pretty bad for my bf and I last month. Thank God I made the right decision to stay with him and not let my new fling get in the way. Thank God for wisdom. My bf made a promise to me though and apparently he has changed and I believe in him. My mum can be a witness. I thank God for a wonderful mum I have because she is involve in almost every part of my life. Even in my courtship. I feel blessed to have a mum like her.

Fhai, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you. I know I have inflicted much pain and hurt on you in our recent conflict but I never intended to cause you all those pain. I had to tell you my feelings. I had to be honest with you because I cannot keep my feelings bottled up any longer. Fhai, you have been the best thing that happened in my life and I thank you for taking the effort to improve on the relationship and taking it to the next level. If given any chance, I would not want to leave you; even though there were times that I felt like giving up on you but I thank God that He gave us this chance to work things out. Fhai, my heart will always be yours and I'm very sure that no one can replace you in my heart. I can justify that because I still cannot forget you and love anyone else besides you even though I had a crush on someone. He cannot replace you in my heart. You are the only person my heart loves. So do not worry that my admirer can change my heart because I know no one can replace you in my heart. He tried but failed. God also is guarding my heart. Last but not least, I love you...

P/s: Mum you might be reading this I know. I love you mum and thanks for being involve in my love life. I want you to be involve in every area of my life even though I'm married. I love you mum.


"Finally I see and found the Light at the end of the tunnel"

Torn...

Things have been pretty stormy with my partner before I left Malaysia for Astana. There were things that we did not resolve. During the few months before I left, we had quarells that left my heart faint. So it is no surprise that I let someone else into my life. The question is should I let this new person into my love life?

Have you ever been torn between someone you love for about 3 years and someone you know for about a week? The decision is obvious enough to stay with someone who's been with you for 3 years. BUT what if the person you just knew for about a week overcome the short comings of the person you've been with 3 years? And that person you just knew is overall better than the other? Should I give in and give up on a relationship that I've been in for so long or should I stay? The grass really seems greener. How do you feel when someone you've loved so much does not appreciate you like you wanted them too?

Temptation is so hard to resist when you know this new person might be better than the old. But then again, we need to get to know each other better before I can decide anything. But of course if he finds someone better I'll let him go, he has the freedom to choose because I cannot give him any assurance that I'll be with him. It would be a lost if I did let him go but I cannot be selfish. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't attached. This is what happens after being attached for so long. You do not know if you are with the person because you do not want to get of the comfort zone or it is because you really love him. Or you might be afraid the new person is not as good as the old?

Can I believe someone who has lied to me about his smoking habit? Can I believe someone who has broke his promise about quitting smoking? My trust has been lost in that matter, can I gain that trust again? Because I know that until now I have not gained back that trust. The new person does not smoke. And it has been one of my criteria that my future husband does not smoke. Then again, you'll never know a person's true colours until you are in a courtship with him. Only then you will know his true colours. I cannot have two partners at once. It is not fair to neither of them. I cannot give up my relationship for a new one because I do not know what is in store in the new relationship. I might regret losing my old flame? I might regret not starting with my new flame? So hard to decide. I just do not want to regret anything ; this I know. But I cannot have both of them. I have to choose between the both of them and it is a risk I have to take. I admit that now, I want to have the best. But what decision should I make? Maybe I'll know my answer after getting to know him better then I'll decide. That would be the best way I guess. I need opinions and comments. Anyone with advices please do help me because I'm lost and torn.

Life at Astana

When I first touched down, it was rather a dusty country. After staying here for almost one and a half months, I'm adapting well. The first few weeks have been quite tough for me. Adapting to housemates differences, language, the dusty air, the horrendous driving here, etc. Life here thus far has made me a stronger person. Work style here is different, and the culture and mind set of people here are different too. Work is rather stressful and tough over here but thus far manageable. Shopping and a stroll in the park, playground or lakeside helps with stress management. I'm glad that there's a lakeside within walking distance from my apartment. It is a beautiful sight at the lakeside. I'm beginning to like this country though. After one month everything has settled down for me. Then comes a new beginning...I met someone...So this is where the headache begins....

Motorcyclist sometimes a PEST!

With the lack of motorcycle lanes on Malaysian highway, not only are the lives of the motorcyclist in danger, but some become a pest or obstruction on the road. Some motorcyclist seem to think that their fathers own the road or highway. They are somehow the cause of road accidents. With them hogging the road and highway, it's no wonder they die early. Well I guess they ask for it and it serves them right. I'm not being evil but I've come across many of these irritating motorcyclist who hog the roads. They won't move to the side of the road when they know there's an oncoming car behind, they just keep hogging the road. So yeah, they are inviting themselves to the valley of death with much stupidity.

Other than that, there are some motorcyclist, mainly youngsters of a certain race in my country who does not have a tiny bit of driving etiquette. These people just ride out from a junction without looking and when you hon them, they lift their middle finger at you when it is their mistake. You are just warning them and they call you stupid (in their language) and lift that hideous middle finger of theirs. What an embarrassment to our country! Furthermore it is Visit Malaysia 2007. This kind of attitude is an embarrassment to our country.

Halo

I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here,
you wouldn't say so you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you


I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that’s my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.


One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Why you think that you know me
But In your eyes
I am something above you
It’s only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a Halo

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
Iwear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
you wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Finally...

Finally I'm able to find time to blog again. Had been busy preparing for job interviews for the past weeks eversince my final presentation and with all the chinese new year holidays. I have not even pen down my new year resolutions. *sighs* Well I guess it is still not too late to do so.

I've finally graduated (Thank God!). Looking for a job now and I hope I'll be able to get that job that I want. Alot of things happened in these 3 months, both good and bad. Somehow, life gets grey when there's too much emotions of sadness, hurt, etc. But I guess soon after the rain has stopped, the sun will shine again.

Could I be Wrong?

I was just wondering today if I am currently in a courtship with the right person. Hmmm..... I know I have no reason whatsoever to leave this wonderful guy. I just hope he won't portray his love and affection by buying materialistic things like what my ex did. Because what I want is not things or that of what money can buy......time.

Time together is what I want and if that is what I can't get, I'll move on to another person. If my husband is the type to be home by the time I sleep or just staying at home for minutes after he comes back from work, then I might as well not be married. What is the point of marrying someone whom you only get to see when you awake, back from work just minutes before he goes to his next agenda for the night after his dinner, and peeking through the darkness in the night with sleepy eyes to see that shadowy figure doing something with an impulse that says, "Oh, he's back", and goes back to sleep again.

I do not wish to have that kind of a spouse. I want a spouse who would spend quality time with me together, like doing activities together, going out for movies together, spending time talking to each other in the room before sleeping and so on. I don't think that is too much to ask for. It's not that I'm not being understanding enough. Why don't guys be understanding enough? Why is it always that the females have to be understanding?! Guys always say girls aren't understanding enough....Why can't they just turn it around and understand us instead?!

Guys are somewhat selfish in nature just that some do not realize. I've come to know this fact because few guys confessed it to me. Well I hope guys who read this will realize the importance of quality time. Need to get back to my work. Just felt a need to pen down my thoughts for the day. Till then....I'm outta here!!!

Happy New Year

It has come an end to the year 2006 and welcome 2007!!!! Spent new year's eve at Port Dickson at a resort along with a few friends. I had a wonderful time ushering into 2007! Will post photos and update my blog after my finals. Till then,


HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007!!!!


May all of you have a blessed and prosperous year ahead, with good health and abundance of blessings !!! God bless the world!!!

Busy Busy.....

From now on till maybe February, I might not blog anymore. Finals coming up!!! Need to rush my work. To all that has been reading my blog, I'm so sorry....will resume me blogging after my finals. Till then take care all!!! Muaks!